I've been struggling with this for quite a few weeks. I miss my beautiful daughter, Ashley. Yes, I know, I see her every day, but we've lost that 'connection'. I'm completely aware of how most 13 yr. old girls are with their Mom's--embarrassed by them, annoyed by their nagging, angry for reasons we both don't understand--but I hoped and prayed it wouldn't happen to us. She's going through a lot, emotionally, right now and I'm trying to give her the space she wants, but I don't know if that's what she NEEDS. I'm afraid that the more space I give her, the further away she'll become. I know that she's still hurting with they loss of her friend, and I just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her I'm here for her, but she's not having none of that. When I watch her with her friends, she's her old self--laughing, dancing across the volleyball court with a huge smile on her face, singing--but when she's with me, or sometimes when she SEES me, it all changes. It's almost as if she doesn't want me to see her happy. As if she's trying to hurt me, in a way. And, I'll admit, it does hurt.....really bad....but I'm trying to keep it in perspective. I'm trying to remember what it's like being 13 (actually, the worst year of my life, I think), and trying to give her what I needed at that age. (Did I even know, then?) All I can give her is my love, attention, and patience. If anyone has any other wisdom, please pass it on.
6 comments:
You're doing the right thing, Chris, by just being present to her. Gosh, this is so tough on "mom". I have shed many tears over rejections by my daughters, but hang in there, there is hope, as she grows, and finds herself. She'll be seeking you again, and if you continue to let her know you're available, there will be such a great connection between you. Patience, my dear, much patience.
Geesh- how I know about this well. (not from a mother perspective though- just a youth ministry perspective)This whole acting different with her friends thing is all about image- she doesn't want her friends to know she is hurting or struggling with anything. At 13- we want to be seen as perfect. Perfect clothes, perfect humor, perfect hair, perfect bod,perfect friends, perfect everything. She knows she can be real with you, her mom. Unfortunately for you- she is going to get out all her "crapiness" (as I like to call it)when she is around you. Another reason she may be acting so different is because she is trying so hard to be independent- if she talks to you and lets you comfort her she will feel like she can't do it on her own. (they fail to realize they need their moms ALWAYS! :))
So this is just my youth ministry experience talking from what I've seen with my middle and high school girls. Take it as you wish (I am not an expert by any means!!)and I would say just to keep trucking along the way you are. Continue to let her know you are here for her and that she does not have to hurt on her own- Jesus will take the burden if she will let him. My prayers are with you over this matter- and boy do I not wish to get to the teenage years with Aven anytime soon. :)
I totally agree with what Kaylyn says, I was thinking the same thing (but probably could not of said it as well!)
It's such a hard age!Friends come and go at this age, so it is difficult to show any kind of insecurities you have to them. With you-she trusts that you will always be around, so she can show you ALL of her emotions. I also agree with the need for independence as well, which really explains why she directs her hostility towards you. This is such a time of discovery, trying to figure out who she is and what "fits".
I really feel for you, and can feel the pain through your words. Just keep doing what your doing, and-as Mom said, she'll come to you when she's ready. Just try to keep in mind that this is a phase-a "rite of passage" so to speak, that many girls go through. We have all gone through it, and came out the other side (sorry Mom!). You never really know the pain it causes until you become a mom yourself..and I am also really dreading the day it happens.
Did Allison go through this? I wonder if Sharyn has been through this as well, and could offer some insight
Chris, I feel for you & this rough spot. How awful that must feel to feel so disconnected. I can feel your hurt coming thru your post and I'm giving you a cyberhug!! I do not have any wisdom from a Mommy perspective...but having a really rough past in this age group, I can look back and have a bit of perspective. I think you are wise to keep letting her know you are there and available on her terms when she wants it. Kaylyn says it so well. I wish there were simple solutions. LOVE YOU!
Thank you all sooo much. It really means a lot to have all this wisdom from such wonderful and caring women. :) Of course, I'll keep plugging along, but so much more cautious in my words and actions, I think. Thank you for all your insight, everyone.
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